Justice Notes: Being Authentic
A White-Collar Journal forum for criminal justice, lived experience, and the personal search for redemption
A colleague in my white-collar support group said recently that he struggles with being authentic. The comment landed harder than he probably intended. I reached out afterward and sent him the message below.
“I think you’re being especially hard on yourself. Authenticity is always a work in progress, particularly for those of us who developed coping strategies over decades, strategies that likely took root in our earliest years and may feel as if they’re embedded in our DNA.
It’s easier to measure addictions to alcohol or drugs. We’re either using or we’re not. But the addiction to presenting well, to appearing competent, positive, in control to our families, our colleagues, the world, is far more elusive. It never fully disappears. It just shifts forms.
We take two steps forward and one step back. That’s the rhythm. The best we can do is remain vigilant, knowing this part of us will always be there, waiting to reassert itself. Give yourself some grace. This struggle doesn’t negate your progress. It confirms it.
It’s an insidious condition, one that requires its own kind of medication: a persistent self-awareness. I’ve been guilty of the same cowardice. The impulse to hide behind a curated version of myself. I still am. Even now, I soften or sanitize difficult truths when speaking to my family or others. The instinct to present something palatable to the world runs deep.
“How are you doing?”
“Great.”
It’s almost automatic.”
What I didn’t say to him, but understand more clearly with each passing year, is how prison complicates this further. We enter prison with an excruciating self-loathing, and for many of us, we reenter society carrying the same weight. Incarceration strips away illusions, but it doesn’t automatically grant self-acceptance. If anything, it sharpens the fear of being seen as we are. I heard a lot of edited bios in prison. Mine included.
Authenticity, then, isn’t a switch we flip after release. It isn’t a revelation or a clean break from the past. It’s a long, uneven climb, made harder by shame, by habit, and by the instinct to protect ourselves from judgment. For those of us who spent a lifetime performing competence and control, authenticity can feel almost vacuous.
The challenge isn’t to become “authentic” once and for all. The challenge is to recognize when we’re slipping back into old disguises, and to pause, just long enough, to choose something closer to the truth. It’s a mountain to climb.
If you’re drawn to the idea of storytelling as self-reckoning, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Thank you for reading White-Collar Journal. Subscribing is free, and I hope you’ll continue with me as I explore stories of incarceration, justice, and redemption.
If this piece resonated with you, consider sharing it or leaving a comment. To support this work and help spread awareness about justice reform for white-collar defendants, subscribe to White-Collar Journal and stay connected. John DiMenna is a member of the White Collar Support Group.
To leave a comment, Substack may ask you to verify your email address (a one-time step to prevent spam). You don’t need to subscribe or create an account. Just check your inbox for a one-time link.